Musings of a Graduating Resident

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I have changed during residency especially now that graduation is on the horizon. 

Through the thick of it, I’ve seen parts of me that I didn’t even know existed. Anger, irritability, frustration, exhaustion. And when I reflected upon those parts, I felt anger towards myself for not being more composed in the moment. For not having it all together, for not always being gracious and poised (goals of mine and qualities I admire in other physicians). I then realized these pent up emotions are the product of the last 4 years. Preventable patient deaths, inevitable patient deaths, the transition from idolizing your mentors to then realizing no one needs to be idolized, noticing things you wished you didn’t as you transition  from an intern to a senior resident. Ignorance is really bliss. I am sure every resident has felt the frustration of being the catch-all because “it is a learning opportunity”. The once eager intern is replaced by a jaded soon- to- be attending. I hope it gets better. I am not sure if it does get better. The one thing that gives me hope is that I care for my patients. I was once told that it’s a rite of passage to stop caring. Honestly, it would be much easier to not care. But then I wouldn’t be me and it probably would be a sign to take a break from medicine.  

Commiserating with my co-residents is what has gotten me through the toughest of times. I am so thankful for them and the candor that is so often missing in medicine.

Yours truly,

Shivani